


A Hole In The Earth

by thirdsister



Series: The Closest Thing To Home [2]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers Endgame, Avengers Family, Big celestial road trip to kill thanos, F/F, F/M, Feelings, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, I Love You, Loss, Pregnancy, brief carol/valkyrie, discussion of pregnancy risks, post infinity war flashback
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-20
Updated: 2019-01-20
Packaged: 2019-10-13 03:06:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17480027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thirdsister/pseuds/thirdsister
Summary: Steve and Natasha process the news of their impending parenthood and what it might mean for the final battle with Thanos. We get a glimpse back at the evening immediately following the events of Infinity War.





	A Hole In The Earth

**Author's Note:**

> The title and the quote bookending the story are taken from the song "A Hole in the Earth" by Daughter

_You have buried childish qualities/ Friend make sense of me, friend make sense of me_

\--

“You’re sure you don’t want to tell anyone? It’s a pretty big secret to keep.”

“Telling the team is a bad call at this stage. Even under normal circumstances you’re not supposed to announce until the end of the first trimester.”

Steve laughed, “You’re worried about _etiquette?_ ”

“I’m worried about a miscarriage.”

“Oh.”

“You don’t tell people until after the first trimester because 1 in 4 pregnancies miscarry before that. And that’s for normal people. Given what happened to me in the red room and my high impact career, not to mention any complications from the serum, I’m willing to bet our odds are slightly higher. I don’t want to put everyone through that. Besides, this rematch with Thanos is the fight of our lives and I don’t want people treating me like-“

“Like a pregnant woman?”

“I don’t want to be a distraction. And I’m not going to be benched.”

“Ok, you’re right. We’ll keep it between us… and Thor for now. But after that, I’m telling everyone. And I mean everyone. I’m getting balloons, and a banner, maybe even a skywriter.”

“Don’t you dare, Rogers!” she smacked his arm playfully.

“Ow! That settles it, I’m definitely hiring a skywriter.” His voice brightening as that quintessentially Steve half smile crept across his face. The one that lit a fire under Natasha’s ribs. The one that said _Front all you want, Romanoff, I know_ exactly _how adorable I am._ The one that had been in such short supply since Thanos ripped their world in half. 

“You’re so sure we’ll get there? I don’t want you to get your hopes up.”

“Too late, my hopes are all the way up. If it goes wrong, it goes wrong, but I’m choosing to believe it’s gonna work out. After everything we lost –all of us, we lost friends, we lost family, we lost a part of ourselves- I’m taking the win where I can find it. I get it, happy is something you can’t be yet. I’ll hold onto that for you.” He took her hands, “give me whatever you can’t carry.”

“You know I love you, right? I know I haven’t said it, but you know.” It felt almost perilous to say aloud. She had told him before at least a hundred times. In every way but the big one. For so long that had been the game, how close can we get to the line without crossing it? 

“I was at least 80% sure. You’re not exactly an open book, but after all this time, I think I’ve got a good read on you.” He shrugged.

Natasha chuckled. “I should hope so.” She looked up at him expectantly. She knew he wouldn’t say it unless he meant it and she was ashamed to admit she wasn’t sure he would. It was a gamble, but she’d rather put her cards on the table even if he didn’t feel the same. 

“Oh am I supposed to say something here?” He asked in mock surprise.

“No. Only if there’s something you wanna say.” She was deadly serious. Her earnestness tugged at his heart. All he wanted to do was grab her tight and kiss away any doubts. But he’d done that before and this clearly wasn’t the time. It felt almost silly to put such and obvious thing it into words. It was self-evident. The is sky blue. Water is wet. I love you. 

He leaned forward, touching his forehead to hers, “Nat, If you haven’t figured it out by now-“

“-It’s ok, Steve. Don’t worry about it.”

“Would you just let me finish, Romanoff? Jeez. I was going to say if you haven’t figured out how much I love you, then my god you’re a terrible spy.”

“I was at least 80% sure.”

“Oh you think you’re funny, huh?”

“I think I’m hilarious.”

“You know what, Romanoff?” He murmured as he placed his hand behind her head and brought his lips her own. There was a playful roughness to the kiss. A thin veneer of joy over the deep ache that had taken up residence in their hearts the day the lost everything but each other. 

 

\--  
They lost. Half of all existence. He’d watched his best friend disintegrate before his eyes. It wasn’t the first time he’d watched Bucky die. _At least I can’t fail you again, pal._ He thought bitterly. He knew he should feel devastated, or angry, or anything at all, but instead he felt… empty. The whole world reduced to ash and Steve felt nothing. Some hero. 

_Nat_. The realization knocked the air from his lungs. Everything collapsed and she’d run to him. They hadn’t been able to look at each other since. There had been so much to do, lists had to be made of the living and the dead. The injured had to be taken to the remaining doctors. A heavy, eerily silent night had fallen on Wakanda and Natasha was in her room. Alone.  
For the third time, he lifted his fist to knock and dropped it at the last second. He didn’t want to intrude. Maybe she’d prefer to grieve in solitude. He took a steadying breath. If she didn’t want him there she could always tell him to leave. 

By the time night fell, Natasha’s guilt- guilt for failing, for surviving, for being relieved to find Steve alive- had been replaced by rage. It was hot and blinding and threatened to swallow her whole. There was no justice in the universe. She was alive and so many people, people the world NEEDED were dead. Clint’s kids. Sam Wilson. Wanda. Probably Shuri. T’Challa. T’Challa, a man who raised and army to help people he hardly knew. Who could easily have closed his borders and told them to take the battle for the fate of the universe elsewhere, but instead he gave everything. He gave the universe its best chance. He was a leader. He was a hero. He was everything the world was so desperately lacking. And now, he was dust. 

She was almost relieved when the sound of knocking fractured her train of thought. 

“Come in,” She called.

“Hey Nat”

“What’re doing here, Steve?”

“I didn’t want you to be alone.” It had become a habit, comfortable like well worn shoes, repeating each others words at the big moments. It was a way of saying “I was listening before. I hear you. I see you. You matter to me.” The door closed behind him with a soft click. He moved toward the window where she stood, closing the chasm between them in a few strides. 

“How are you holding up? I know you had to watch when it happened to Bucky,” She deflected.

“I don’t know. I guess it hasn’t hit me yet, because I can’t bring myself to feel anguish or anger or anything at all. I’m just numb.” 

“If you can’t, then I’ll be angry for both of us. Give me what ever is too heavy, and I’ll carry it for a while. I’ll put his memory right next to Sam, Wanda, T’Challa, Shuri, Laura, the kids, and Vision,” she breathed each name like a prayer. 

“Come here,” he whispered, extending his arms. Nat stepped backwards shaking her head. 

“I can’t. If you touch me I’m going to break.”

“Who do you think you need to hold it together for? There’s no one here but me.” Suddenly, standing there in the soft lamplight they weren’t the superheroes the rest of the world saw. They were just two people who had lost everything except each other. He pulled her into a tight embrace. 

 

“Tell me what you need.”

She tilted her face up to meet his gaze. “I need you.”

In an instant they sparked together like gunpowder and flame. It was an act of desperation the way their lips and limbs entwined. They tumbled to the bed, a maelstrom of nails and teeth. Of sweat and heat and need. Of bitterness. Of ecstasy. 

\--

“I know you said it’s too early, but what about James for a boy.”

“For Bucky. I love that. James Samuel. If it’s a boy, if we make it that far.”

“It never hurts to have a plan.” Steve leaned over kissing her temple, “Maybe Wanda for a girl?”

“No, I think it would be too confusing once we get original Wanda and everyone else back. Because we will. This is going to work, Steve.”

“I know it is, because I don’t know what I’m going to do if it doesn’t.” He sighed and she squeezed his hand tightly. She wanted dearly to melt his worries with a kiss, but there was something else she needed to do first. 

“Stay here. I’ll be back in a bit.” 

 

“Hey caro-oooh sorry” She hadn’t meant to intrude on Valkyrie and Carol, but the flight deck didn’t exactly have a door to knock on.

“No worries, that’s what I get for being an exhibitionist” Valkyrie said with a wink as she hopped off of Carol’s lap. She threw a nod and Natasha and sauntered off down the hall. Carol’s hungry gaze followed her swaying hips until she was out of sight.

“So what’s the what, Romanoff?”

“Can we get a message to Earth from this far out?”

“Yes and no. We can transmit, but we’d need a very specific location or device to transmit to and honestly, most devices on Earth still wouldn’t be able to pick it up. Where are you trying to reach?”

“Wakanda” Natasha handed Carol a kimoyo bead. 

“This, I can work with. It’ll have t be prerecorded though and it’ll take a while to get there.”

“I’m good with that.” It was far too soon to tell their shipmates and she stood by that, but there was one person she was dying to share the news with, the person who made any of this possible.

 

The smallest hint of a smile pulled at the corners of Okoye’s mouth when the message arrived. _I see you wasted no time._ she thought to herself.

“Okoye!” called M’Baku who had been named interim king by the remaining elders of the 5 tribes. There had been no challengers. Okoye had nominated him. She would have chosen Nakia, but Nakia had not returned in the days and then weeks, now months following the incident. Okoye had no choice but to believe she was among the fallen. M’Baku had proven himself both a capable warrior and a kind, albeit hopefully temporary, king. Always jovial, he had made it his mission to lift the spirits of the kingdom. It was too weighty a task for one man, but he reasoned, it was better to try and fail than not to try at all. He peered over Okoye’s shoulder as Natasha was asking her to pass heartfelt gratitude to Dr. Wangari “Who are you talking to on your beads? Ah, the little blonde one! You know, I like her. Hellooo little blonde one!”

Okoye rolled her eyes. “It’s a prerecorded message. They’re galaxies away from Earth. You know that.”

“How would I know the messages from outer space are prerecorded? Do I look like I’ve been to outer space?” Okoye tilted her head. “If you answer that, I’m demoting you.”

“Oh, please. You couldn’t demote me even if you wanted to. Now, let’s get back to work.”

\--

_I have many destructive qualities/ Friend make sense of me, friend make sense of me_

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for returning to "The Closest Thing to Home" series. I sincerely appreciate all the kudos and comments on the first work in the series and I hope you'll enjoy the others I have planned.
> 
> All the titles in this series are either lyrics or song titles. As I said at the top, this one comes from ["A Hole in the Earth"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FufumWIGfec) by Daughter which I cannot recommend highly enough. The Series title/part 1 title is a lyric from "Ruby" by Ira Wolf (it's also the title of the album that song is from). I need to give credit to the tumblr carolsteves, they have [gif set](https://thirdsisfics.tumblr.com/post/182860864527/mcusteves-some-days-ira-wolf-and-what-ive) overlaid with lyrics from "Some Days" which is what initially got me thinking about these stories. 
> 
> Speaking of tumblr, you can find me [ here ](http://thirdsisfics.tumblr.com) if you're so inclined. 
> 
> I hope to see you again soon!


End file.
